“The Avengers”… If They Were Played By Modern-Day Athletes

May 4, 2012

By now you know. Yeah, “The Avengers” comes out today. The bigness of this movie can’t really be overstated. I mean, it cost like a trillion dollars to make. So, to celebrate this momentous occasion, I wanted to individually acknowledge the awesomeness of each superhero in a superhero kind of way.

What if instead of Robert Downey Jr. and that one really good looking actor whose name I don’t know (you know the one, don’t lie), these characters were all played by modern-day athletes? That’ll be fun.

So, without further ado, here are the athletes I would choose to play “The Avengers,” based on their superpowers.

Iron Man: Got to start with Tony Stark. Who is undeniably talented, filthy rich, globally famous, WEARS RED when he goes to battle and sometimes lets his playboy antics interfere with his superhero duties? Duh, Tiger Woods. Moving right along.

Nick Fury: I’m giving this role to Jamie Moyer. I know, Bill Belichick feels like a natural fit given that he is indeed a master spy like Fury. But I’m giving this one to Moyer based on “Infinity Formula” – the special medication Fury took that halted his aging and allows him to be powerful despite being super old. The man is 49 years old and just pitched seven scoreless innings for crying out loud!

Captain America: A patriotic superhero who protects America before all else and has the greatest physical attributes a human can possibly have. Got to go with an Olympian here. And who better than Michael Phelps. He gets an added bonus for all those medals looking a lot like a pretty indestructible-looking shield.

The Incredible Hulk: Kevin Garnett. No doubt. For one, he plays for the Celtics, so he’s green. And I don’t think there’s another athlete whose anger can be so damn palpable. You know the look, Wolves fans. Yeah, you could say he turns into a somewhat of a monster when enraged or excited.

Thor: A powerful, sometimes arrogant God who is forced to co-exist with the humans. Well known for a high-profile marriage. He can totally get locked into the zone and go beast mode for like 81 points in a game. Yep, Thor has to be played by Kobe Bryant. The most immortal of all modern athletes.

Black Widow: Yeah, I know. She’s played by Scarlett Johansson. So I should just pick one of the most attractive athletes on the planet. Jennie Finch or something? Wrong. With all due respect to the ladies, I’m picking Jim Thome. The reason? Black Widow has no superpowers. Bonds, A-Rod, Sosa, Manny and many other sluggers of the Steroid Era were, alas,  full of performance-enhancing superpowers, all while Thome hung with them blow-for-blow while being superpower-free.

Hawkeye: Steve Novak, New York Knicks. Given that Hawkeye is a master of archery, this role had to go to the 2012 NBA leader in three point field goal percentage. That would be Novak, who was a straight sniper all year. Plus he’s got a little Jeremy Renner swagger in him when his marksmen game is really on point.

Loki: Loki is known best as the younger, smaller foster brother of Thor. So while I didn’t choose Thor to be played by Peyton Manning, Loki has Eli Manning written all over him. Long thought by his powerful father and the Gods as inferior to the great Thor, Loki eventually proves that he is Thor’s equal by overcoming his lack of size and strength with sheer power and skill. And winning two Super Bowls.

There you have it, fan boys. I know I for one am going to have a hard time not yelling out loud “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE” when the Avengers defeat the bad guys at the IMAX.