So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish

August 4, 2011

Jeff Uemura and Jorg Pierach

My internship is up and Fast Horse is going to launch me off the roof in the general direction of anywhere but here, but not before I blow the whistle on their celebrity phone-hacking practices!

OK, OK, Fast Horse does not hack celebrities, or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to make that perfectly clear before I start roasting the incredible staff I’ve had the honor of working with for the past six months.

I am a firm believer that those who possess genius need to be taken down a notch on a regular basis — and this office is like a MENSA clubhouse, so let’s get started!


If Jorg could argue about baseball in Icelandic and it was recorded then slowed down and played back with gentle music, you’d probably think you were listening to a Sigur Ros record. For each level of disagreement he finds with your assessment of the greatest game on Earth, his delivery raises one full octave. In a parallel universe, Jorg is the Commandant of the United States Marine Corps and America has never lost a war because of that.


Scott has the culinary palate of a wood plank. He is also the tenor to Jorg’s baseball falsetto and oh, what music they make! This man’s work ethic and dedication would make you think he’s Japanese, save for the fact that he’s a giant barbaric Gaijin. If the zombie apocalypse were to break out and Scott handed me a shotgun and said follow me, I would follow. No questions asked.


As soon as I typed her name she appeared behind me (I’m hotdesking right now mind you) with a switchblade and threatened to cut my face if I wrote anything bad. I’m trying to explain to her that getting roasted is a compliment and that…OUCH! OK! OK! Moving on to the nice part, those who have been victimized or have little to nothing in this world have this warrior championing for them and I can’t think of anyone better to fight on their behalf.


Who? I’ve only actually seen Kobi three times. The first time I took her bio page picture. The second time I sat at the same table with her at the PRSA awards dinner. The third time she pushed me out of the way at the soda fridge to get the last Fanta. Oh, wait, that was Alli. I guess I’ve only seen Kobi twice, though you only need to meet her once to know she’s got the savvy you want on your project.


If I were to bring a stranger into Fast Horse World HQ and ask them to point out the staffer who they think plays Dungeons and Dragons, they would point at Mike. They would be wrong of course, Mike prefers to Live Action Role Play because, ” that rolling dice in your mom’s basement stuff is for losers”. He says he’s an Elf Warrior but I think he’s a knight for the number of times he’s saved my arse at work.


I have video of this man that is currently being studied for use as a weapon by the CIA. Originally shot as a joke, we found upon playback that watching it caused an emotion and physical feeling that is best described as “having your birthday taken away from you while being force fed anti freeze and then having an alien burst out of your chest”. We are all very proud of him, as he’s finally found something he’s good at besides being one of the finest journalists in the country.


It’s hard to make fun of Franny. I’m having a really tough time thinking of a jab to take at this guy, he’s so squeaky clean and perfect. Anything I try just makes it look like I’m really jealous of him. If I ever get some time with him over a pint, not only am I going to ask how he pulls it all off, but I’m also going to ask, “Excuse me sir, is this your twenty dollars?”.


It’s also tough to make fun of Bob. You see, Bob is my supervisor so I naturally spend most of my time avoiding him like the plague. Bob is also the Peepshow editor so here’s an “imitation” of him going over this post before it goes online: “Fine”. “Fine”. “Fine”. “OK Fine”. “Fine.” Don’t worry about how you read that, I’m sure your imagination got it right on the first go. I make fun, but if it weren’t for Bob’s guidance and patience, I wouldn’t have lasted my first month.


If coffee were heroin, Amanda would be the entire cast of Trainspotting rolled up into one person. I have a theory that she must get less sleep than I do, which means she gets negative┬ásleep. Amanda is the Pony whom I’ve worked the most and closest with which is unfortunate for her, but lucky for me, as she’s one of the most skilled video producers I’ve had the pleasure of shooting and cutting for.


When Andrew stops eating at Chipotle, he will be directly responsible for the closing of at least two metro franchise locations and the inability of roughly 50 people to continue college, not to mention taking away the hopes of Chipotle employee children who want to go to college. You walk a fine and powerful line with your burrito habit my friend, and with great power comes great responsibility. Fear not Chipotle! Andrew is straight up and takes on his responsibilities with passion. You’re ALL going to college!


Cydney is a 19 foot tall Amazon and her first delegated task for me as a Pony Intern was to fix the upstairs toilet. I was going to tell her that a videographer/editor is different than a plumber, but she would have stepped on me and found another video intern who would fix the toilet without question. How awesome is she? Go listen to “50 Foot Queenie” by PJ Harvey, multiply that by a zillion, and you’ll start to come close to understanding.


George hotdesks more than I do, which means he’s in the office about .37498 seconds a week. My excuse is that I’m on my way out and no other job in the world has such a perk. George’s excuse is “masked vigilante crime fighting”. I shouldn’t say excuse, because I believe him. He’s the kind of guy who would go out and do that. If you are reading this and happen to be a masked crime fighting vigilante, George is the guy you want handling your social media marketing and relations. We can’t have people thinking you’re crazy now, can we?


In my very first Peepshow post, I talked about how the sodas in the fridge are always Ice cold and the dark wizardry behind it. It was explained that there is no magic, just Lindsey. Guess what. They LIED. Lindsey IS the dark wizard and we are all lucky that she spends most of her time casting cold spells on soda cans and black magic marriage spells on Alexander Ovechkin. If Fast Horse were a baseball team, she’s their glue player, the one who holds it all together without knowing it.


When you walk into Tilia, a good portion of the wonderful environment you feel is due to Sandra’s graphic design. She guides you through the menu, and dances your eyes across the beer taps at the bar. Fast Horse presentations are instant home runs when she designs the deck. You’ll notice I’m not making fun of Sandra at all. Us Asians stick together like that. Also, she’d put a price on my head with a Chinese Triad if I did.


Intern extraordinaire Alex is so goody-goody she makes Shirley Temple look like a meth addled prostitute. Sickly sweet enough to make a Disney or Pixar artist vomit and smart enough to make Stephen Fry quit QI and go home to pout. This all hides an incredibly creative mind fueling a go getter attitude. If you don’t see Alex as a Pony staffer within a year, something has gone very wrong at this stable.


Rita’s Minnesota accent is so thick she needs subtitles. If she starred in “Fargo”, the Coen Brothers would have had to enter it for Oscar consideration as a foreign film. Her Minnesota English aside, she is also fluent in Computer, which I imagine sounds pretty much the same when spoken. The intensity of her accent also matches how cool she is. She’s the only IT pro I’ve ever dealt with that doesn’t make you feel stupid when you do something legitimately stupid with your computer.


What’s a roast if you can’t take the piss out of yourself? I have to give kudos to Fast Horse for putting up with me. Delaying the new website launch with bio page animations done in After Effects instead of Flash. Completely botching an interview with Chef Stephen Brown of Tilia when my audio capture failed (The look on Jorg’s face when I told him was like opening the Ark of the Covenant and looking directly into it). And the bane of my Fast Horse existence, a Day In The Life video I couldn’t get right no matter how hard I tried.

They put up with it all, suffered my failures, and kept me on. The experience I’ve gained through the challenges here is invaluable. Most people do not get the chance to work with a small group of the elite for even a day. I got to spend six months with them. I’ve spent the past hour writing this and making fun of them, It’s just my sick way of showing my gratitude and telling them all how much I respect them professionally, and more importantly, personally.

Thank you Fast Horse. You. F-in’. Rock.