Intern-For-A-Day Series: It’s A Fool Who Bets On Just One Horse

Editor’s note: We’re kicking off the second round of Fast Horse Intern-For-A-Day blog posts today. We recently asked wannabe interns to offer up their predictions for 2011. We picked four winning posts and we’ll run them each Tuesday for a month. In March, we’ll have the writers in for a one-day paid internship.

First up is Vincent Koci. Here’s a little about him:

Hometown: Phillips, Wis.

Education: University of Minnesota; double-majoring in advertising and German, minoring in foreign studies

Interests: Drawing, design, writing and basically being creative.

Fun fact: He knows all 197 world capitals by heart (we’re totally going to put him to the test).

It’s a Fool Who Bets on Just One Horse:
2011 Predicted (based on a loose interpretation of the word ‘predicted’)

By: Vince Koci

The future is like the present, only it hasn’t happened yet, and there are probably aliens in it – yeah, there’ll definitely be aliens. It’ll be sweet. -Anonymous

I was asked to write my predictions for 2011 (or as I say around mixed company, twenty-double-hockeysticks). When contemplating which topic to address specifically, I remembered something my great grand-dad used to tell me. He was a gambling man, namely in the business of horses, and he’d say:

“It’s a fool who bets on just the one horse. I never heard such a stupid thing! I bet on all of ’em, see. Way I figure, I always pick the winner! Yessss indeed. You gotta wake up pretty early to get past ole’ Eustus, heh heh heh.”

Great granddad spent most of his adult life at the racetrack, squandering a substantial inheritance and dooming his family to generations of poverty in the process. There exists some wisdom in his words, however. By making many vague predictions about a broad range of topics, I’m bound to get a few right. I can then parlay those few hits into claims of clairvoyance, and, eventually, a cable access show where I do tarot card readings for people’s pets. That’s where the real money is. But I digress: without further ado, my predictions for 2011.

In cinema: Thanks to the ever growing number of Best Picture Nominations, Seth Rogen’s newest film: A Funny Weird-Looking Dude Inexplicably Dates a Hot Chick, and Smokes a lot of Weed is put up for the award. The universe subsequently collapses.

In politics: The Congressional split causes even more sever legislative deadlock, leading to the passage of only a single bill in 2011. The bill is entitled “The Second Ice-Cream-Machine in the Congressional Cafeteria Act”.

In sports: As the NFL and NBA lock-out, the Chicago Cubs take advantage of baseball’s sudden spotlight by going 64-98 and firing their manager.

In television: In response to the History Channel’s commissioning of Larry the Cable Guy to host a new show, the Discovery Channel premieres a new series entitled “30 Minutes of Obese People Making Simulated Fart Noises”. The show marks the latest volley fired in History and Discovery’s ongoing feud to determine which channel more effectively bastardizes all that its representative academic field stands for, and quickly climbs to the top of the Nielson Ratings for daytime cable.

In global economics: China buys the world and renames it “Super China: Spherical Edition”. Civil liberties suffer, but the overall quality of Chinese food increases dramatically. The development is widely regarded as a net-gain.

In advertising: Due to the steady decline in quality of smart phone advertisements, humanity rebels, stops using cellular phones altogether, and returns to employing smoke-signals and carrier pigeons to communicate. Apple then releases the iPidgeon, which is wildly profitable. The commercial for it sucks.

In technology: Artificial Intelligence is perfected and used to replace servicepeople at large fast-food chains, increasing the average speed-per-order by almost 13 seconds. Americans agree unanimously that the technology was put to the best use.

In music: An aspiring young songstress named “Seksi!” tops the charts with her postmodern critique of the contemporary human condition, entitled “Seksi Seks!” The piece, described as a “haunting ballad” and “as emotionally gripping as it is politically charged”, features the singer erratically screaming the words ‘sex’, ‘booze’, and ‘club’ to a beat created in Garageband 3.

In fashion: Wimples are totally coming back.

In society: Because the world will end in 2012, people across the country throw caution to the wind, live for the present, and lead lives without regret. As a result, they watch Real Housewives of Atlanta the night it airs instead of TiVo-ing it and watching it during the weekend, as per usual.

There you have it! 2011 in a nutshell. I know I, for one, can’t wait for the exciting marvels it will bring (I’ve already bought my tickets to “Seksi! Live in 3D!”). As a final word of advice, I impart upon you all another piece of wisdom passed down from great granddad:

“Don’t worry ’bout tomorrow’s racin’, boy. They ain’t takin’ bets on those for another few hours at the least.”