BattleFight Vol. I: Results

July 24, 2008

 

 

 

 

 

In our first volume of BattleFight, Darth Vader and the iPhone 3G confronted “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” along with Twitter.

There were some epic arguments made – the vast majority in favor of Vader/iPhone. Kudos to all for contributing; we’re all very proud of you.

The Results: After running a series of simulations and tests in our fictitious BattleFight lab, some mulled brandywine and a fortnight of deliberation, we, the Fictitious BattleFight Experts, have concluded that Vader/iPhone would clearly win in a fight against Voldemort/Twitter. 

The Breakdown: 

  • Both Voldemort and Vader are cold to the core – both having either killed or attempted to kill members of their family or mentors. However, +1 point to Voldemort for being a real snake in the grass. Vader saved his son’s life in Return of the Jedi and helping your family is a weakness. 
  • On the pretentious scale, the iPhone outclasses Twitter. The iPhone is like all of the mean girls from Mean Girls and then some. Anyone can Tweet but not everyone can iPhone. Sure, you could get an iPhone if you coughed up $300 and switched your phone service plan to AT&T but you also need to have that “I will destroy you mentality” to have an iPhone. +1 point iPhone.
  • +1 style point for Vader/iPhone. They match.
  • Both Vader and Voldemort can disarm their opponents from a distance (using the Force and Expelliarmus spell, respectively). However, if Vader lost his light saber he would still have a fighting chance against Voldemort. If Voldemort loses his wand, he’s worthless. +1 point Vader.
  • Microblogging, microblogging, microblogging. +1 point Twitter.
  • Voldemort is old fashioned also hates all-things-muggle. – 1 point Voldemort for being anti-technology.
  • Voldemort can apparate. +1 point Voldemort.
  • Voldemort likes to play with his victims before he kills them; however Vader has no problem choking people mid-conversation. +1 point Vader for being assertive.
  • Using the iPhone as a voice recorder, Vader can lay down some heavy breathing tracks and then place the iPhone in some rubble as a decoy. +1 point for James Earl Jones voice.
  • Strong argument raised by Jp Pollard about the opponent’s origins. However 0 points awarded since the rebirth of a gross fetal Voldemort in a cauldron is just as hardcore as the miraculous (Christ-like) midiclorien conception of Vader.  
  • – 1 point Voldemort for Twittering while battling. Miranda raised the issue that typing would prevent Voldemort from doing any fancy wand work.
  • +1 point Voldemort for exfoliating 
  • Ultimately this BattleFight would end with Voldemort crippling Vader with a locomortis spell. After tweeting about the oncoming coup de grace, Voldemort would hurl an Avada Kedavra at Vader. Vader would deflect the spell with his light saber and it would bounce back at Voldemort, hitting him in the neck. Vader would then call all of his old friends using his iPhone and they would meet at Club Jager to celebrate. +50 points Vader/iPhone.

 

Thanks all for debating. The new BattleFight begins tomorrow!

 

P.S. Idea Peepshow is looking for artists/illustrators. If you are interested in creating some BattleFight fan art, please let us know. We will feature your work on our site along with linkage to your own site.