Branding Tips From The Bachelor

May 25, 2017

Disclaimer: I drank roughly two (okay, four) glasses of wine during this episode, so any below information may or may not be entirely accurate.

If there is one thing I’m an expert on, it’s dating.

Just kidding. Dating is terrible. But I do know a thing or two about marketing, and after being tricked into becoming a weekly viewer of The Worst Television Show in America™ (I’m talking about The Bachlor(ette) franchise, obviously), I thought I’d offer up some unsolicited branding advice, based on the somewhat puzzling choices of this season’s new pool of love and attention-seeking bachelors.

How to brand yourself without looking like a total idiot: 

Whether you’re looking for a new job, trying to drum up some new business, or simply trying to find your future wife on national television, it’s important to stand out from the competition.

There are a few ways to go about this. You can do something flashy that will get people’s attention.

Say, dress like a penguin.

Or, juggle while yelling “Wahboom” (??) every five minutes.

Stunts like these are likely to draw some initial attention, but if you’re hoping to play the long game (say, a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship, or … marriage?), in most cases, substance is going to be more important than style.

While giving a lady your jacket may seem boring compared to the alternative, I’d absolutely trust this guy to look out for my future interests over some dude who owns a penguin suit for some reason.

But that’s not to say style isn’t important. A little personality can go a long way.

I remember nothing about these men other than they are probably investment bankers. Seriously, give me ANYTHING, guys.

These men, on the other hand, seem like people I would want to hang out with for more than five minutes, which is going to be important in any long-term relationship.

During any first meeting, it’s also going to be important to show off your skills.

But, keep it relevant.

And always try to avoid being a complete and total cliché.

If all else fails, you could just make out with them.

I would not recommend this for business relationships; however, Lindsay seemed to be into it.