What That Important Female in Your Life Learned From ‘Twilight’

November 22, 2011

I’m not going to get on a soap box and spew my feminist lit theory about how nobody should indulge in “Twilight.” I’ve read, watched and enjoyed the series as much as the next person.

The story of Edward and Bella is consuming. The love triangle, the dark and dangerous vampire narrative and the promise of true love are great ingredients for a supernatural drama fest.

Despite the entertainment value, I do wonder whether the “Twilight” series is affecting how teens and young women view healthy relationships. The movies have drawn hordes of daughters, mothers, wives, girlfriends and nieces (plus the occasional male companion, selfless in the date-night movie choice or unaware of what he got himself into.)

So what are the life lessons from the “Twilight” flicks? Here’s my take:

Writer’s note: Please keep in mind that this is an opinion and all lessons below have only been learned in jest – nobody should ever take this advice or act on these tips. Ever. Also, a small plea for forgiveness from my Fast Horse colleagues Allison, Cydney and Lindsey.

Sneaking boys into your bedroom at night is normal behavior and perfectly acceptable.

Bedrooms may be on the second floor but supernatural beings can’t be bothered to climb trees or use doors, they scale walls. Of course, it’s only to talk about love and lust. No harm ever came from talking (see comment below about vampires and bad boys). 

When your friends tell you that they want to see you more, ignore them. They don’t understand your love.

On the plus side, they will be present during all high school social activities and attend your wedding. They also will complain about you the entire time. But it doesn’t matter because they don’t understand your love.

Your relationship is a life or death situation. Nobody understands your love.

There is no happy medium or healthy balance in a forever-after fairytale romance. Life isn’t worth living if your loved one isn’t alive, as demonstrated in each movie by a healthy dose of Edward lamenting how his life is nothing without Bella in it, complete with a suicide plan if she dies. In every movie.

Ever find yourself in a love triangle and torn between two men? Don’t worry about it, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

Bella teaches us that you can maintain a loving relationship while loving someone else, too. In fact, no need to separate from said, “other man.” You can freely display and flaunt your affection for others in front of your significant other – as long as you only kiss and snuggle them. Anything else constitutes cheating.

Your loved one has admitted to killing people, but he would never hurt you.

No matter what happened in his past, you trust him completely. No judgment. He will never ever hurt you and it doesn’t matter that every ounce of his being wants to kill you and suck you dry. It’s a great exercise in self-control and really proves how much he loves you. He loves you enough not to kill you.

Physical violence from a loved one is an acceptable showing of passion and affection. But, only if it happened in the bedroom, he’s sorry and you liked it.

You thought last night was tender and sweet, only to wake up with hand-shaped bruises all over your body. In the case of Bella and Edward, his remorse over physically injuring her is met with her insecurities. Not only does she spend the scene convincing him how much she enjoyed it but spends the next 15 minutes – and the remainder of their honeymoon – knowingly begging for more.

Who needs protection? Vampires can’t procreate.

I don’t even know where to start. Take it for what you will, but remember that vampires represent the quintessential bad boy – who is not a fictional character.

Also, if you have sex then you will be pregnant within a week and your child will be equated to demon spawn. Now there’s a heavy dose of theoretical birth control if you ask me.

Don’t worry about letting your friend, who you love and loves you back, down easy. With any luck your newborn child will be his soul mate.

There’s nothing weird about a close-to-adult man falling in love with a new-born child, especially when that adult man has spent the better part of the series pining after the mother. Like mother, like daughter, right? If you can’t have one then you might as well move down the hereditary line to the next best thing, her infant child.

Dating your siblings is fine.

I’m serious. Not even cousins… dating your siblings is socially acceptable now as long as you’re not blood related. C’mon folks, we already went through this in the teen-favorite television show, Gossip Girl.

No real man will ever live up to your expectations. Ever.

Don’t blame me. Blame “Twilight,” Disney, Hollywood and Nicholas Sparks. Just saying.