November 26, 2008
Dear Previous Microwave User at Our Office:
Every afternoon I drink a cup of chamomile tea, which, as you may be aware, I take to relieve my jaundice. However, as I was about to open the microwave door this afternoon to heat some water, I noticed that the microwave timer was set at 00:48 seconds. This struck a chord with me because the resting state of the microwave timer is always set at 00:00.
At first glance I thought the microwave timer was malfunctioning but after I had Phil the maintenance guy check it out, I discovered that the timer was in perfect working condition but you neglected to reset it after you were finished.
I do not know if you were having a rough morning, were not paying attention, or completely failed K-12 math, but apparently you totally overestimated the time it would take you to reheat your bile-smelling leftovers and stopped the microwave mid-heat at 00:48.
This is unacceptable and frankly, it is pathetic. Not being able to properly estimate the time it takes to heat something in a microwave is a reflection of poor judgment and it makes you seem weak. I suspect this is a greater testament to the numerous poor decisions you have made throughout your life. You are a loser.
If I do have excess seconds after using the microwave, I always hit the “CLEAR” button, which, as you are obviously unaware, resets the timer. If it were my decision, I would ban you from using domestic dialectric heating devices.
Maybe you were not aware but when the timer is not reset, no one can read the digital clock on the microwave. I like having a clock on the microwave because it is a convenient way to see how much time has passed when I’m having trouble selecting a coffee mug that best matches my turtleneck. If I had not been paying attention, I may have thought the time was 00:48, in which case I would have completely missed my weekly colonic treatment.
Microwave ovens were invented for people who want fast cooking times, not for people who have the time to reset microwave timers. I placed several post-it notes throughout the employee kitchen to remind you of your mistake. In the future I hope you will make more than a half-assed effort.
I remain (vexed), Taylor Baldry